What should a pastor's wife be like? Can she have friends?

What should a pastor's wife be like?

There is a stereotype of a super happy lady that always looks well kept, but not too extravagantly dressed or to racy, and is musically gifted with at least one instrument along with the ability to sing solos. Well.  She can quote the Bible and knows what is best to say in any social situation.  (Are these the same things that we expect of first ladies, royalty or other dignitaries too?)  I honestly can not think of any real person that meets all these expectations. Can you?

I remember in my adolescent years my dad told me that I needed to use a fork to open the English muffins that have the label on the package stating that they are "fork split" English muffins. And by doing this my future in-laws will be able to tell that I was a good kind of lady (or something to that affect). Well, my in-laws have never supervised me on how I open the English muffins (I use a knife, since I am such a rebel!). They have enjoyed what food I have made them over the years as far as I know. Who cares as long as the utensils are clean, right?

There are several other areas of life that we seem to assume things about the person. Not all lawyer are sleazy or in it for the money. Not every celebrity blows all their money on drugs and designer everything.  Extroverts do need some alone time while introverts can do well with large groups. You get the idea. There is more to a person than what we might expect.

As soon as people learn that I do not like singing solos and cannot read music, or I put my foot in my mouth or dislike my outfit, they seem disappointed in me. It is written on their face and sometimes is even clear in their words and actions. "Really!? You do play the piano or sing? That is just strange." Or they just stop talking to me entirely and I am not sure why. It could be something I said, did, or didn't do. Or it could have to do nothing me with and the other party just wants to be quiet at church or doesn't feel like saying 'hi' in the grocery store because it has been a day that they just want to get things done and go home and veg. I get it.

Between the expectations and me being human friendships can be a bit difficult. Add in the fact that we move from time to time, good friends are hard to find.  I bet that there are many others out there that would love to make good friends and have challenges like moving often, job title, or whatever the barrier could be. Finding and making good friends is hard.  I do have some very good friends, they just mainly live rather far away.

There is another expectation(s) on the pastor wife (as well as the pastor and the rest of the family) and it usually is one extreme or another. The pastor and wife should either be (1) friends with the whole congregation or (2) friends with no one in the congregation.

Tackling the first thought, the pastor and  friends with everyone. I want to know if this is your view, are you friends with everyone in the congregation? What does that look like? Are you finding that you are equally fond of each and every person? Do you feel equally close with everyone? Do you feel it is a good idea to share everything about yourself with everyone?  I do not anyone who really does that.

The second school of thought, the pastor and wife should not friends in the congregation. If that is your thought, would you want to go to the same church week after week where you do not feel connected to anyone? Where you are not sure who to ask for prayer when you are having a struggle or do not feel that you can even admit that you are having a struggle in life? Do you want to work/worship along side people that really have not clue who you are?

Both of this thoughts seem to be extremes to me. I like to look at Jesus and his life for a good guideline. Yes, Jesus is 100% God and so he is perfect. But he is also is 100% man. Human. I am human. So, Jesus had friends, right? The 12 disciples. They ate and traveled together often. In the group of the 12, doesn't it seem like Jesus was closer with 3 of them, Peter, James and John, than he was with the other? What about the 72 that seemed to meet with them often? That sounds similar to the same amount of people in a small congregation We know some names, but not all. I believe Jesus knew their names, being God, but did not invest in them the same way he did with the 12 or the close 3. We can summarize that Jesus trained those close to him to be disciples and then they were told to "go and make disciples of all nations".

So following Jesus, as we are all called to do, and his example, I do have some folks I would consider as friends at each place my husband has been called to serve. Yes, there are things that happen that it are not okay share with even those you feel close to. (Those things are burdens as part of the ministry and are not fair for others to know.) But it is nice to have people to meet up with that have children the same as yours or have the same interests outside of worship, or just are positive sort of people that just are great at spreading the joy of the Lord.  (Not that they have to be happy all the time, I know how hard that expectation is!) Is that similar to how you make friends? I also love having friends that do not go to the church my husband serves. Other Christians make nice friends. So do people who are not Christians but can respect that you two have different views of the world. Those are fun people to get into deep discussions with, they usually see things so differently, but we can find way to agree on something!

In addition to a hand full of friends at the church, there are folks that I do get to know a bit because they are involved. Often they have been involved at that church for decades and they have their friend group already and are content to where God has them. I enjoy the people that are invested in the congregation and their faith. We may not be BFF's but we often have short pleasant conversations. They are busy people on Sunday mornings, much like our family is too.

Some folks I see from time to time, I am terrible at remembering their names, (I seriously fall short of the glory of God) though I am glad they can make it to worship. (There are individual situations in this example and I do not know them all but I can respect them.) I am not very close to them, but that would not be reasonable. Often they are well connected with other church members. (Fits the discipleship model.)

There are always people who feel that we should be closer to them and are mad at us for not being closer. I don't know who they are. I only hear about it through some sort of grapevine. That makes it gossip right?  So maybe it is not the case and just idol gossip. No need to take stock in that, right?

After all that is thought through, the expectations that people have are really not going to be met. Whether you feel I should have any friends in the congregation or not, or to be best friends forever with everyone, we can at least talk about these ideas.  None of our expectations, yours or mine, will likely be the true outcome of this life. In the end the answer seems to always be Jesus, doesn't it.