Everyone has Expectations

Everyone has expectations. They have expectations of getting decent food at a restaurant. Expectations of actually receiving what they ordered online at their home or office. We expect others to text us or call us back after we call them. We expect facebook friends to say ‘happy birthday’ on our walls on that special day of the year. We all have expectations; anyone who says they do not is either clueless about something or lying. 

I am certain I cannot state this enough, ever. I am not perfect. I would not even claim to be nearly perfect. 

This year we were blessed with our second child. We are thrilled to have her in our family. I did have some serious expectations. This is not my first child, and I have worked with babies and young children for years. I expect that I know what I am doing. And I do know what the books, websites, doctors and blogs say. Knowing and acting upon the knowledge are two different things.

Having a newborn, the expectation is that sleep is rare and uncommon.  It is a time in life that sleep is more precious than a flawless jewel. That expectation was definitely met with our sweet little second blessing.  My dear husband was able to adjust and was dearly helpful during all hours of the night. I did need and appreciate his help greatly. 

There is an expectation that babies sleep through the night consistently around 6 months. That expectation is still waiting to be met with our 7 month old. We are finally doing the heart wrenching method of letting the baby cry it out. It is helping but is very challenging so many reasons.  

During these months of sleep depravity I have had struggles as a pastor’s wife.

There are expectations for a pastor’s wife to be warm and friendly to all, always. People like to count on the pastor’s wife to take care of things, to a high quality of standard.  They expect the pastor’s wife to be cheery and have things in life going well.  As my mom would, have everything be “just peachy-keen”.  

To these expectations, I have failed these 7 months.  I know that this is to be very true. Let’s say I have reliable sources.  These last 7 months I have done a less than satisfactory job by some expectations as a pastor’s wife. I honestly hate letting people down or acting in a way that they perceive that I am ‘upset’ with them. The truth is that I am just tired, and doing the best that I can. I am glad to say that I know that there is grace and forgiveness for me with Christ. 

 But I have not failed at what you might expect from a mother with a young one at home.  I have been exhausted, with some days afraid I might fall asleep while driving to the grocery store or church, (these seem to be the only places I went to for months) only a few short miles away.  I have not been able to keep up with all the cleaning and organizing that I would love to be able to get done as a full-time stay at home parent.  I have not been great about being a friend that checks up on the people in my life have had some challenging situations. (Thankfully, some of my dear friends have given me the benefit of the doubt and know I still do care. They have learned I might text them back at 3am.)

As the wife, I spoke with my husband recently about we are doing as a couple. You know the conversation that couples have from time to time about how things are going, asking only when you are prepared for the worse but praying for the best case response. To be honest, I may not always ask for this in a very direct way. I usually ask a more general question hoping he will know what I mean. We have been married for twelve years, and he has not been very good at reading my mind just yet. (A girl can hope, right? Might be an unrealistic expectation though…) So the conversation went sort of like this:

Me: Are you happy?

Him: I am stressed about this work thing and concerned about that other thing.

Me: Oh, yes. I remember you saying those things before. I meant more are you happy with us?

Him: Yes, I am.

The words may not be exactly what were said, but you get the idea. That is what matters to me, that my husband is still glad to have me as his wife. He knows very well my imperfections, and he still loves me.   I do not meet all the expectations people have of their ‘pastor’s wife’, or other expectations they may have on me regardless what role they view me as and that is the way life just goes.  I am back in the time of life where there a little one that needs me often, while the rest of our sweet family still needs me for what I have been doing to support them.  Being a wife and mom are vocations that take a higher seat than pastor’s wife.

This is not about excuses; it is about having realistic expectations. And the expectations are the most unrealistic from myself. I am going to work on that.